


Reminders

by Shelwrites



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Other, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 21:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5981578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shelwrites/pseuds/Shelwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short vingnette on Gon's thoughts during the CA arc</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reminders

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy Angst! Sorry, so don't read if you don't want to. Trigger warning! Suicidal Ideation!

“Weak, worthless, unworthy” the voices repeated, over and over again like a broken record player in his head. When he least expected it the voices would come and reiterate how undeserving of life he was. Cruel, taunting, and relentlessly, the voices continued. No matter how hard he tried to drown them out, they continued to torment him in his mind. 

He had failed Kite, just like everyone else in his life. He didn’t deserve to live, he knew this. He was meaningless, nonconsequential. Kite had trusted and believed in him and he let him down. He wasn’t strong enough to protect the ones loved and had been a fool to think otherwise. He should have died back at NGL, it was he who was the weak one. He should have been the one controlled like a lifeless puppet by Pitou. Not Kite, the man who taught him how to be a hunter, who cared for him, who had foolishly trusted him.

As much as he wanted to hate Pitou for what he did to Kite, he hated himself more. How could he not? He had killed Kite. The ultimate act of betrayal. Kite had done nothing but teach and help him and he killed him. Pitou may have been the one in who had actually physically killed Kite, but he was the one who had left, who convinced Kite to bring them along, he was the one Kite died while trying to protect. 

For what? Why did Kite think his life was valuable? Didn’t he know he was a just burden? A burden to Mito-san, to Ging, to Killua. He had been a born a burden, the world didn’t need him. He simply was there. The only thing he could do was train and become strong enough to become useful and protect the ones that he loved. Maybe just maybe if he was useful then he would be worthy of love and worthy enough to be around. He knew it was a vain hope, but he wished for it anyway. 

He could still hear Kite yelling at him and Killua to run after his arm was easily ripped from his body. He could still feel the blood hit his face as Kite’s arm flew across the forest. Then the image of Kite’s scarred and broken body had been burned into his mind. He couldn’t get away. Every time he closed his eyes, he was reminded how weak he was. Every time he saw the look of concern in their eyes, he was reminded. When he trained, he was reminded. Also, the voices also never let him forget.

They were always whispering, how Kite was really dead. “He is gone and you killed him” they taunted. “Why are you fooling yourself, he can’t be saved”, they sneered. “Murderer”, they murmured. “No one would miss you,” they said. “You are weak, worthless, unworthy”, they reminded. 

He didn’t need to be reminded how weak he was, every moment he was alive was the only reminder he needed.


End file.
